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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I Few of My Not So Favorite Things about Cancer


This list has made me feel better than any conversation or therapy session that I have had since my diagnosis. 

I don't like what I have become.
I don't like what this experience has done to me. 
I don't like that I am still struggling. 
I don't like that I am in pain most of the time.
I don't like that I have to do this alone. 
I don't like feeling that no one really wants to know how I am doing.
I don't like having to pretend that I am okay for my family.
I don't like how I look now.
I don't like waking up. 
I don't like that I have to get dressed in the morning. 
I don't like people telling me that I look normal.
I don't like that I have to do normal things. 
I don't like that others are living full busy lives. 
I don't like that I  have had to face death. 
I don't like that I  have crumbled under the weight of it all. 
I don't like that I am just a number to the doctors and health professionals. 
I don't like that when people find out about me they have to share about someone they know with cancer. 
I don't like feeling that I am just one of millions with this problem. 
I don't like being told that my feelings will pass. 
I don't like being told that I will be normal again. 
I don't like that my husband is bored with this. 
I don't like that I can't give myself any grace. 
I don't like having to be mom and all that still entails. 
I don't like failing at being mom and all that entails. 
I don't like that I feel abandoned by my family and friends. 
I don't like that I now know that I am not in control of anything. 
I don't like having my bruised body cut open every week and my skin stretched beyond a normal threshold of pain. 
I don't like that I am doing this just to look normal in my clothes. 
I don't like being told that it isn't that bad. 
I don't like that I am scared, sad and angry most of the time. 
I don't like pretending that I am not scared, sad or angry most of the time.
I don't like that I am not stronger. 
I don't like that something this small has shaken me so badly. 
I don't like that my faith feels weak. 
I don't like that I no longer care about the things that mattered before this.
I don't like that I have to let a new life evolve. 
I don't like that I don't know what I feel anymore. 
I don't like that the best part of my day is the evening when I binge watch Netflix while drinking wine and eating crappy snacks. 
I don't like that I feel patronized and misunderstood. 
I don't like that those that I thought would help get me through this can't or won't.
I don't like that this realization has been more painful than any of the treatments I have gone through. 
I don't like how feeling alive scares me. 
I don't like that this has taken nearly 6 months of my life. 
I don't like that I have to rebuild myself. 
I don't like that I have survivors guilt. 
I don't like that what I am feeling seems foreign to those around me. 
I don't like that I have had to make difficult choices. 
I don't like having to live with my choices. 
I don't like that I have to be here. 
I don't like how tired I have become. 
I don't like feeling  vulnerable. 
I don't like pretending that I care when people are talking to me about their lives.
I don't like not caring about other people's lives. 
I don't like anything about cancer and what it has done to me. 















1 comment:

  1. That is a hard list to read. But it is raw and insightful and honest...all the things I love about you. But I also cry because I wish I could change something for you...but I know in my heart, that God can make all this make sense and have purpose one day ...even if that all feels far away right now. It is ok to be right where you are at right now though. It sounds crazy, but your brokenness is beautiful.

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