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Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I Few of My Not So Favorite Things about Cancer


This list has made me feel better than any conversation or therapy session that I have had since my diagnosis. 

I don't like what I have become.
I don't like what this experience has done to me. 
I don't like that I am still struggling. 
I don't like that I am in pain most of the time.
I don't like that I have to do this alone. 
I don't like feeling that no one really wants to know how I am doing.
I don't like having to pretend that I am okay for my family.
I don't like how I look now.
I don't like waking up. 
I don't like that I have to get dressed in the morning. 
I don't like people telling me that I look normal.
I don't like that I have to do normal things. 
I don't like that others are living full busy lives. 
I don't like that I  have had to face death. 
I don't like that I  have crumbled under the weight of it all. 
I don't like that I am just a number to the doctors and health professionals. 
I don't like that when people find out about me they have to share about someone they know with cancer. 
I don't like feeling that I am just one of millions with this problem. 
I don't like being told that my feelings will pass. 
I don't like being told that I will be normal again. 
I don't like that my husband is bored with this. 
I don't like that I can't give myself any grace. 
I don't like having to be mom and all that still entails. 
I don't like failing at being mom and all that entails. 
I don't like that I feel abandoned by my family and friends. 
I don't like that I now know that I am not in control of anything. 
I don't like having my bruised body cut open every week and my skin stretched beyond a normal threshold of pain. 
I don't like that I am doing this just to look normal in my clothes. 
I don't like being told that it isn't that bad. 
I don't like that I am scared, sad and angry most of the time. 
I don't like pretending that I am not scared, sad or angry most of the time.
I don't like that I am not stronger. 
I don't like that something this small has shaken me so badly. 
I don't like that my faith feels weak. 
I don't like that I no longer care about the things that mattered before this.
I don't like that I have to let a new life evolve. 
I don't like that I don't know what I feel anymore. 
I don't like that the best part of my day is the evening when I binge watch Netflix while drinking wine and eating crappy snacks. 
I don't like that I feel patronized and misunderstood. 
I don't like that those that I thought would help get me through this can't or won't.
I don't like that this realization has been more painful than any of the treatments I have gone through. 
I don't like how feeling alive scares me. 
I don't like that this has taken nearly 6 months of my life. 
I don't like that I have to rebuild myself. 
I don't like that I have survivors guilt. 
I don't like that what I am feeling seems foreign to those around me. 
I don't like that I have had to make difficult choices. 
I don't like having to live with my choices. 
I don't like that I have to be here. 
I don't like how tired I have become. 
I don't like feeling  vulnerable. 
I don't like pretending that I care when people are talking to me about their lives.
I don't like not caring about other people's lives. 
I don't like anything about cancer and what it has done to me. 















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