Sunday, February 19, 2012

Confession of a Mother

I have hit a wall.  In fact, I have hit several.  Being of a stubborn nature, it takes more than one thud to stop me.  But now after repeated run ins with something hard and perpendicular, I have decided to stop.  Not because rational thought and reasoning has been restored, but because I am just too tired and in too much pain to pick myself up again and continue.  So, I am quietly retreating.  I believe that I might have a slight limp as I walk off.  At the very least, there is a some bruising to the cerebral cortex.  I'm not sure exactly where my cerebral cortex is, but I do know that it is bruised, along with my spirit. 

The older my children and I get the more I see just how not super human I am.  In fact, there is some evidence that I may be subhuman in most areas.  As of this writing, I am a humbled person.  I look at a lifetime of progression and see that most of that progression was spent on a treadmill.  I have the appearance of one that has moved forward, without actually having accomplished much of anything.  To truly know oneself you have to look to the outside and see how 'you' have affected the lives of those around you.  I see my children and although they each still have two arms and legs and have yet to have a cavity between them, I'm afraid I have let them both down.  And much to my dismay, that it was through my own selfishness that this has been accomplished.

I'm not sure if any other mother has ever felt this way.  I suppose that most would say they have.  I can only say that for this mother I find it a lonely and fearful place to exist.  Being a solution based person, I have no doubt that once the bruising has faded a bit, I will have a 'new' plan of action.  Unfortunately, my ability to trust my own judgement will take much longer to heal.   

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Importance of Purpose

It seems that most blogs have a purpose and usually one that involves advice or inspiration.  After very little thought and contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that mine may not fulfill this requirement. Though this explains the somewhat low numbers in the reader department, it doesn't actually 'inspire' me to find a purpose.  I'm afraid that if I get the idea that I have something to advise the rest of the world on that it may go to my head, and I decided years ago that I didn't want my ego to become any larger.  Not that it's all that large mind you, but I'm just not comfortable thinking too well of myself.  A little humility has served me, if not well, faithfully these last 37 years.  Of course with that being said, I do find myself wanting to share my latest revelation.  Please don't mistake what I am about to say for advice, it is simply my latest ponderings.

A few years back, I decided that just because I may have 'gifts' or 'talents' that I didn't need to use them to conquer, change or modify the world.  I would be just as content quietly using them in my day to day life that involved a husband, two sons & three cats.  Recently, I have taken the time to rethink this philosophy and find that I may have been mistaken.  I think that a life without goals or a greater purpose can become rather dreary and sad.  I now wonder if by denying myself the chance to accomplish something greater than pantry organization (no matter how ingenious), I may have tempered or dare I say even destroyed my enthusiasm for life.  I often feel as if I am passed my 'use by' date.  I'm not quite curdled, but there is a strange odor coming from the container.  Is it right or normal to feel this way at such a 'young' age?  Perhaps, if I had left some room for uncharted exploration instead of settling in for a quiet life, I may still have been able to compliment a bowl of cereal instead of being reserved for bake goods.  This now leads me to my final thought which is that life, like a successful blog, must have vision and purpose to flourish and perhaps it's time that mine did.