Monday, April 15, 2013

The Price of Boxes

I find myself at war with modern day existence. I have repeatedly over the years jumped out of the boxes that life has lined up, only to find a maze of new ones laid out before me.  Each has had a title like 'Achievement' or 'Happiness''.  A few have even had the tempting label of 'Fun' boldly written on them.  I mean who wouldn't want to try out a box that basically guarantees a good time.  But, before entering each box there is a price to pay.  While the price varies due to inflation and supply and demand, the accepted form is always the same, time and sanity.

 Early on in my life, I didn't mind parting with these currencies.  After all, I had such a plethora of both that I couldn't imagine a scenario when I would be without either.  I willingly plodded through the maze of modern life with both the optimism and ideology of youth. I believed there would always be choices that would lead me to my own personal greatness. The demanded price always seemed reasonable for the promise of a future of my choosing.  The problem is that neither time or sanity is something that can be replaced once gone.  I'm sure there are a few that would like to argue with me about the sanity piece.  But, you will most likely lose because, as everyone knows, insane people are never wrong.  I have spent my adult years slowly bleeding the two things most needed to exist or at the very least to select the next option in this twisted board game that is life.  

As I find myself at the half way point of my human existence, I am comforted by the thought that I still have some time left in which to continue this journey.  However, I no longer have nearly a fraction of the sanity required to execute the rest of my time here.  I now find myself hoarding the little bit I have left, saving it only for the moments of the upmost importance.  This has created a bit of a quandary for me because as I have so clearly explained I cannot move forward without first paying the toll.  So, here I sit in my latest box, entitled 'Solitary Confinement', gazing out at all the driven souls as they leap from one chronological cube to the next without hesitation.  I could join them and there are moments when I almost do, but something always pulls me back.  Usually, it's a thought.  One that urges,"Wait! You may need me one day." And, I am reminded again that my thoughts are my greatest resource as I carefully plot a way to move off the path toward the expansive openess that lies outside all the boxes.  At the moment, it appears that I am stalled as the rest of the world goes by.  But, in reality I am waiting for the time when I find the one truly brilliant conscious stream that allows me to escape the rigidness that is life and run into the quiet vastness that is beyond the path formed by others' wasted time and sanity.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Thoughts on a Spring Afternoon

Well, my blog hasn't been used in some time. Upon reading my last post, I am pretty sure I know why.  The date was July 11, 2012.  On July 12 of that same year the bottom fell out of my well planned life.  I will spare you the gory details.  This isn't due to my innate kindness, but to the fact that all of my 14 followers are more than aware of what transpired.  Still curious?? Feel free to leave a comment and I will get back to you.  Now, moving on to the present.  Wait, before I get going I need to place a disclaimer.  I have had a rather large glass of my favorite white wine and cannot be responsible for any typos or possible confusing statements.

Okay, time to write something of merit.  The entire reason I have decided to come back to the land of blogging is that I have plenty to express and I have one too many 'friends' on Facebook and not nearly enough in real life. As I sit here typing, I find myself 7 months into a new life in North Carolina.  "New" is a strong word and come to think of it so is "life", but this is all the English Language currently has available to express my current situation. Unless, I want to add the word "hell".  But, that is not the point of this post.  No, the point is to discuss that at nearly 39 years of age I have decided to consider letting the second half of my life be dictated by who I am and not by what I believe is acceptable.  Let me elaborate.  I have spent the better part of the last four decades functioning on a level that involved an extreme amount of control.  I have carefully controlled my choices, husband, children, decor, 3 cats and on occasion the weather.  But, there is nothing I have controlled more than myself.  I must admit that in the right company and at the right moment this control has slipped.  Usually, it was followed by a reprimand that involved someone pointing out how I could have possibly gotten myself or others beaten to a pulp.  But, I digress.  I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a mid life crisis, but I do feel that there is a crisis at hand.  I have two choices to make:  I can continue on my carefully laid path that involves sanity and a smaller therapy bill for my children or I can embrace the person that allows me the moments that bring a deep breath of air that can only be described as life giving,    

I'm pretty sure that I won't make my decision today, due to the fact that I must go prepare a carefully planned dinner.   But, I just wanted to make it known that I am quite aware that I am half way through the life I have been granted, yet have not fully lived in a manner expressing the person that I may have been created to be.

Let me just add that what I am considering in no way involves any intentional harm being inflicted on any living creature in my life.  I just want permission to let the type 'A' part of myself go and release the creative free spirit that has only on occasion been witnessed  to take over.