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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

The Hollow Truth

I have not written much lately, even in my safe black leather bound journal. I honestly don't even know what to write or feel anymore. This has been one of the most confusing seasons of my life. If I thought at any point in the last few years that I had achieved some greatness of truth or developed a bit of wisdom from years of actively living, then I now know that I was wrong. I feel like any value or any knowledge that I might have been able to contribute to the world at large has vanished. I wake up each day more and more unsure of who I am and why I am still here. If I could stay in my small bubble of one away from others, this actually wouldn't be all that bad. It could even feel comforting to have such little accountability. But, I don't have that luxury. I have teenagers to finish raising and a husband that needs a partner. I have friends that my put together appearance has fooled into believing that I can still offer advice or help with paint color choices. In essence, my small world seems to think that I still have value. But, I feel more like a hollowed out shell. I am not sure if I am a sham of what I once was or if the sham that I have always been is now exposed.

Perhaps, this is a chance at a new beginning for me. Thanks to cancer, my slate has been wiped clean. Maybe, I can start over as I attain new knowledge and wisdom born from a place of true brokenness.  It is possible and even probable, but for now I am still empty. I am a person that has nothing to give and this makes me feel ashamed.

3 comments:

  1. You have been on my mind today...so I went looking to see if your were posting...I am sending your blog to a cancer survivor friend...another one for you! How do I find these awesome friends, I don't know. But I want to share a second one with you. I want you to know you are not alone.

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  2. Your ability to collect and connect with people is a true gift. Thank you for your help and support. The blogging allows me to get things off my mind that I can't do in my real world. My good days are almost equaling the bad now. So, I know that I will get past this season. I find that being honest about my darkest places helps.

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  3. Tansy, you've always been a very giving person in my eyes. Maybe this is a season for you to let others give back to you. We need to schedule some talk time soon. Love you, dear friend!

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