Revisiting the Past

Due to my current state of lack lusterness, I posted a version of my annual Christmas letter on this blog, yesterday.  The only reason I did this was so that I wouldn't have to stuff, address, sign and mail some 40 odd envelopes this holiday season.  As a result, I find myself reading over some interesting older posts and some pretty poorly written newer ones. If I were a different type of person, I would delete anything written post 2011.  However, I am an honest person and feel that all versions of myself should be on display for the general public's viewing pleasure.  That being said, do me a favor take the time to look back over anything written in 2011. I was quite well versed and insightful that year.  For anyone feeling as lack luster about this as I was about my Christmas letter, I will repost one of my personal favorites.  Feel free to sit back and enjoy.

A Most Selfish Creature

I think if I had been left to my own devices, I could have been a most selfish creature. My days drift in a pattern of serving others. It begins often before I am even awake. Somewhere between 1 and 3 a.m., when my 6 year old crawls into the bed and I slide over to make room. Even my smile seems selfless at times. I often bestow it wearily in my attempt to hide my worry for one of my children. Daily, I practice giving of myself. Despite being decades into this practice, I still, at times, find it unnatural. Which leads me to my current mode of thought: I could have been a most selfish creature.

I imagine I could spend hours lying in bed each morning, too exhausted from thinking of myself the previous day to get up. I believe that I could spend an additional few hours powdering my nose and meticulously hiding my flaws. I suppose I could prepare a meal with only me and my desires in mind and then leave the mess to clean up itself. Indeed I have no doubt that I could talk endlessly about myself with such flourish that those around me have no choice but to be silenced. I know that this could all be pulled off with amazingly little effort on my part.

Thankfully, I was not left to my own devices. And, although at times I resent my responsibilities and find my mind in a state of unrest, I know that these same responsibilities and 'stressful' thoughts are what keep me from being the anti-heroine in my own novel. They are the catalysts moving my story somewhere, in my humanness, I was never meant to go. A place of wholeness that can only be found in losing myself. At the end of this exhausting day, I am grateful to my family for helping me become what I should never have been.

Happy Holidays

I am pretty sure the Christmas card gods have been trying to warn me against putting my greetings out into the world this year. However never being one to heed advice from people that I haven't actually met, I have chosen to send my salutations anyway.

What happened to the LeBlanc's this year?  Well, not a whole heck of a lot. But, for fun I'll recap. First and foremost on the list is that after months of searching and lots of arguments we have finally found a Mexican restaurant that we will all tolerate here in North Carolina.  This was no small task and brought about a semblance of peace sometime around mid summer.  I will now move on into our standard individual accomplishments.

Marty has enjoyed earning lots and lots of frequent flyer miles this year and has enjoyed visiting his second family in Tampa, FL.  In case you are wondering, Rosita and the girls are doing fine.  Okay there is no second family, but that is where he works most of the time due to a small mishap regarding our current relocation with his company.

I have spent the last year sampling many wines from around the world.  You'd be surprised at some of the fine wines that now come from those tiny islands off the coast of Indonesia. When I am not preoccupied with my new standing as a wine connoisseur, I find time to continue homeschooling Chandler and Kendall. This has brought us all endless pleasure and relaxation. Well, maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but the boys are both adequately educated for their current grade levels, at least according to the standardized tests that the state of North Carolina requires. As you can tell, I am quite busy, but when a dull moment presents itself, I usually turn to treating my 15 year old cat with homeopathic drugs that our new vet keeps doling out in excesively large quantities.

Chandler has managed to turn 14 this year.  That pretty has much taken all of his energy and focus, so unfortunately, he's unable to accomplish much else.  When he finds himself with a little extra boost, he will usually attempt to speak a complete sentence and then head off to manage his Minecraft server.  Kids today are just under so much stress.

Indian ugly pot

Kendall has had the busiest year of all the LeBlanc's.  When not participating in his cultural art class where he creates amazing master pieces like his Indian ugly pot, he spends his time jumping on our newish trampoline.  I don't know how he does it, but children under 10 have so much energy.  If only we could all keep up with him, there would be no end to what we could accomplish.

Well, that is 2013 for the LeBlanc's. I am not sure if this will be my last Christmas letter.  But, rest assured that as long as exciting things continue to happen for us that I will keep on recapping them for my expectant audience. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

The LeBlanc's

What I am Really Thinking Most of the Time

I have been challenged by a person dear to me to save my readers from yet another deep post with a touch of humor.  I apparently have been catering to what I think my 3 readers, because let's be honest the other 11 stopped coming by years ago, would like to hear from me.  Not that my thoughts aren't real or genuine, but honestly if I was that deep all the time I would probably have commited suicide years ago.  More like attempted suicide, everyone knows that women only attempt in the hopes of  getting a little attention from those in their life that are clearly neglecting them.

I'm going to let everyone lucky enough to stumble onto this page into the true streaming of my brain.  I'm not really worried about offending anyone, since basically this blog is a black whole used mostly by Europeans looking for ways to improve their abilitly to read English.

At this very moment, I am thinking that most people are idiots.  Really, I feel this way most of the time. I also do not consider myself one of these idiots. I am actually quite brilliant.  Yes, I am brilliant and full of wisdom and logic and all other things that make one superior.  Unless you count my spelling and grammar skills, but I mean even Superman had kryptonite. So, why then am I afraid to put my brilliance out into the world and help a universe that is being run by people whose IQ probably is smaller than my shoe size, which happens to be a 7-71/2 depending on the style and brand?

Seriously, what the hell is keeping me in my little bubble?  Hmm? . . . You know it really is a great bubble. One with soothing colors and just the right amount of serendipity combined with dramatic touches that only a true visionary could have created. The stress level here is fairly low, especially after my 3:30 cocktail has kicked in.  If I were being honest which I always am, just another perk of being here in my perfectly decorated cocoon, is that I like being alone with my brilliance.  I don't want to have to fight to convince all the idiots that my superior thought process is the best way for perfect success.  I mean let's face it, idiots don't know they are idiots and they wouldn't listen to me anyway.  Then I would be forced to start a coup d'etat and well, that would just be exhausting and a waste of my much higher intellect.

  I don't have a clever well placed conclusion for any of this.  After all this is only a blip into the streaming of my brain, which is now onto a completely different course that involves a possible sensitivity to caffeine.

The Price of Boxes

I find myself at war with modern day existence. I have repeatedly over the years jumped out of the boxes that life has lined up, only to find a maze of new ones laid out before me.  Each has had a title like 'Achievement' or 'Happiness''.  A few have even had the tempting label of 'Fun' boldly written on them.  I mean who wouldn't want to try out a box that basically guarantees a good time.  But, before entering each box there is a price to pay.  While the price varies due to inflation and supply and demand, the accepted form is always the same, time and sanity.

 Early on in my life, I didn't mind parting with these currencies.  After all, I had such a plethora of both that I couldn't imagine a scenario when I would be without either.  I willingly plodded through the maze of modern life with both the optimism and ideology of youth. I believed there would always be choices that would lead me to my own personal greatness. The demanded price always seemed reasonable for the promise of a future of my choosing.  The problem is that neither time or sanity is something that can be replaced once gone.  I'm sure there are a few that would like to argue with me about the sanity piece.  But, you will most likely lose because, as everyone knows, insane people are never wrong.  I have spent my adult years slowly bleeding the two things most needed to exist or at the very least to select the next option in this twisted board game that is life.  

As I find myself at the half way point of my human existence, I am comforted by the thought that I still have some time left in which to continue this journey.  However, I no longer have nearly a fraction of the sanity required to execute the rest of my time here.  I now find myself hoarding the little bit I have left, saving it only for the moments of the upmost importance.  This has created a bit of a quandary for me because as I have so clearly explained I cannot move forward without first paying the toll.  So, here I sit in my latest box, entitled 'Solitary Confinement', gazing out at all the driven souls as they leap from one chronological cube to the next without hesitation.  I could join them and there are moments when I almost do, but something always pulls me back.  Usually, it's a thought.  One that urges,"Wait! You may need me one day." And, I am reminded again that my thoughts are my greatest resource as I carefully plot a way to move off the path toward the expansive openess that lies outside all the boxes.  At the moment, it appears that I am stalled as the rest of the world goes by.  But, in reality I am waiting for the time when I find the one truly brilliant conscious stream that allows me to escape the rigidness that is life and run into the quiet vastness that is beyond the path formed by others' wasted time and sanity.

Thoughts on a Spring Afternoon

Well, my blog hasn't been used in some time. Upon reading my last post, I am pretty sure I know why.  The date was July 11, 2012.  On July 12 of that same year the bottom fell out of my well planned life.  I will spare you the gory details.  This isn't due to my innate kindness, but to the fact that all of my 14 followers are more than aware of what transpired.  Still curious?? Feel free to leave a comment and I will get back to you.  Now, moving on to the present.  Wait, before I get going I need to place a disclaimer.  I have had a rather large glass of my favorite white wine and cannot be responsible for any typos or possible confusing statements.

Okay, time to write something of merit.  The entire reason I have decided to come back to the land of blogging is that I have plenty to express and I have one too many 'friends' on Facebook and not nearly enough in real life. As I sit here typing, I find myself 7 months into a new life in North Carolina.  "New" is a strong word and come to think of it so is "life", but this is all the English Language currently has available to express my current situation. Unless, I want to add the word "hell".  But, that is not the point of this post.  No, the point is to discuss that at nearly 39 years of age I have decided to consider letting the second half of my life be dictated by who I am and not by what I believe is acceptable.  Let me elaborate.  I have spent the better part of the last four decades functioning on a level that involved an extreme amount of control.  I have carefully controlled my choices, husband, children, decor, 3 cats and on occasion the weather.  But, there is nothing I have controlled more than myself.  I must admit that in the right company and at the right moment this control has slipped.  Usually, it was followed by a reprimand that involved someone pointing out how I could have possibly gotten myself or others beaten to a pulp.  But, I digress.  I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is a mid life crisis, but I do feel that there is a crisis at hand.  I have two choices to make:  I can continue on my carefully laid path that involves sanity and a smaller therapy bill for my children or I can embrace the person that allows me the moments that bring a deep breath of air that can only be described as life giving,    

I'm pretty sure that I won't make my decision today, due to the fact that I must go prepare a carefully planned dinner.   But, I just wanted to make it known that I am quite aware that I am half way through the life I have been granted, yet have not fully lived in a manner expressing the person that I may have been created to be.

Let me just add that what I am considering in no way involves any intentional harm being inflicted on any living creature in my life.  I just want permission to let the type 'A' part of myself go and release the creative free spirit that has only on occasion been witnessed  to take over.