Confession of a Mother

I have hit a wall.  In fact, I have hit several.  Being of a stubborn nature, it takes more than one thud to stop me.  But now after repeated run ins with something hard and perpendicular, I have decided to stop.  Not because rational thought and reasoning has been restored, but because I am just too tired and in too much pain to pick myself up again and continue.  So, I am quietly retreating.  I believe that I might have a slight limp as I walk off.  At the very least, there is a some bruising to the cerebral cortex.  I'm not sure exactly where my cerebral cortex is, but I do know that it is bruised, along with my spirit. 

The older my children and I get the more I see just how not super human I am.  In fact, there is some evidence that I may be subhuman in most areas.  As of this writing, I am a humbled person.  I look at a lifetime of progression and see that most of that progression was spent on a treadmill.  I have the appearance of one that has moved forward, without actually having accomplished much of anything.  To truly know oneself you have to look to the outside and see how 'you' have affected the lives of those around you.  I see my children and although they each still have two arms and legs and have yet to have a cavity between them, I'm afraid I have let them both down.  And much to my dismay, that it was through my own selfishness that this has been accomplished.

I'm not sure if any other mother has ever felt this way.  I suppose that most would say they have.  I can only say that for this mother I find it a lonely and fearful place to exist.  Being a solution based person, I have no doubt that once the bruising has faded a bit, I will have a 'new' plan of action.  Unfortunately, my ability to trust my own judgement will take much longer to heal.