Hidden Insight

It seems that I have been causing myself quite a bit of trouble lately.  I'm pretty sure that becoming mute would put an end to most of it.  But, I have yet to come up with a rational pain free way of achieving this.  So, I am doing the only other thing that comes to mind, hiding. 

I realise that this sounds like an unhealthy thing to do, but I beg to differ.  There have been many brave people throughout history that have hidden and come out heroes or at the very least alive.  Okay, so perhaps 'hiding' is a strong word.  I am just one little decision at a time choosing to be alone.  The first time, I said 'no' it felt strange, even wrong.  But, the feelings of rest and peace that came over me as I stayed in my Utopian home (really, check out my pictures on 'More Than Words) made it not only worth it, but my new go to phrase.  "Tansy, do you want to go to dinner and a movie?"  "No."  "Tansy, do you want to walk around downtown, stare at strangers and make small talk?"  "No."  "What about helping your 'friends' only to have them treat you like an indentured servant that is rebelling?"  "No."  Each time I say no, it's like a gift I'm giving myself.

For years, I have worked on improving myself so that I could be a better friend/person.  You see to me friend and person were one and the same.  I thought to be a person that I must also be a friend and a good one at that.  Problem is that most people don't quite see things this way, to them being a person is good enough.  Why go through the trouble of being a 'friend', when you can just take advantage of those schmucks that are giving out friendship and its benefits for free?  The only problem with this is that the 'friends' that are having the life sucked out of them, get worn down pretty quick and start to short circuit.  They no longer have anything to offer, so the 'persons' simply chew them out for being flawed and worthless hoping this will help their 'friends' get back to their 'A' game.  Shockingly, this actually works.  However, on occasion the 'friend' gets smart and realises that they have a choice.  A choice to say 'no', not today.  Today, I choose self respect and a nice cozy hiding spot.  Today, I breathe for myself and maybe a cat or two.

In hiding comes healing, a chance to gain perspective and insight.  Too often we are told that being alone is wrong and even unstable.  But I think pushing on endlessly trying to please others in a headless bird state is wrong and unstable.  I mean headless birds do not make good decisions.  But, people that sit quietly sipping wine while watching Cranford, now those are some insightful people.  I will emerge one day, but not until I have watched a few more BBC miniseries while enjoying my own thoughts and ideas.  Ideas that will  make me a stronger person, but hopefully not a better 'friend'.