I Reserve the Right to Change My Mind

I wouldn't be me, if I didn't on occasion change my mind.  That being said, my cat Lily is still with us.  There were several sappy reasons why I couldn't let her go, but it was actually because of  one quite rational reason that she managed to get a 'stay of execution'.   

Here I was being encouraged by my vet to put down a loyal friend because her 'non' terminal disease was difficult to manage.  Based on the information given to me, it did indeed seem daunting and bit painful for both of us. So, I decided with a heavy heart that ending her life was for the best.  However after a few days of some non Paxil worrying and pouting, I decided to conduct some research into her condition.  After all these years, I at least owed her that.  What I discovered (from which you will be spared the details) was that just like in every other area of my life, I don't have to go the traditional path.  Especially, when it offered little to no hope.  Passionate once again and I must say a little indignant over some of the facts, I have begun with the help of a slightly reluctant yet forward thinking young vet a path that already has shown some amazing results.  Lily will not only recover from this illness, but she will no doubt go on to live out her full existence. 

I am quite aware that I will have to let her go one day, but for now I'm grateful  for the extra time that we almost didn't have.

Oh and I realize that my last two posts have been about a cat.  I do apologize that Lily isn't a dog and therefore more universally accepted but, for all her loyalty I felt she deserved at least a couple posts written in her honor. 

Here are three long ago and sappy reasons:

Goodbye Lily

Most of the time, I can find humor even in life's most difficult moments.  Unfortunately, this is not one of those times for me.  Tomorrow I have to put down my dear cat and companion of 14 years.  Now, I realize that I have just lost 14 of my 15 readers, but she truly was a special friend.  From the moment, I let this little feral stray into my house, she has worked diligently to warm her way into my heart.  She hasn't ever been 'normal' and most people never knew I even had her, what with her skittish reclusive behavior.  I never really thought cats could develop traits from their owners, but then she has always been exceptional.   Despite what many would consider a flawed personality, she was loved by my entire family and in return was fiercely loyal and full of an almost human like love.  It is with a heavy and sad heart that I say goodbye.  But, in the words of my 7 year old, "Lily is going to heaven, which is the best place on earth."

This is Just Awkward

I tend to make awkward conversations worse.  It's as if I have this overwhelming need to stop the uncomfortable feelings by over explaining things.  Here is an example: 

Acquaintance: "Wow, your house is amazing!  How do you keep things so clean and neat while having kids and homeschooling?" 

Me: "Well, that's simple; I'm crazy."

Acquaintance: "Oh...", with a perplexed almost scared expression. 

Me:  "Ha ha ha .... no I'm kidding, I'm not crazy.  I just never sit down or rest all day; it's what I do....  Especially after a stressful day, I mean noting calms me down faster than vacuuming." 

Acquaintance:  "So, you never do anything for yourself?" 

Me:  "No, this is what I do for myself...  I can't rest or be happy if things aren't in order...  I mean it's just the way I am; my whole family is this way and only some of us are truly insane." 

Acquaintance:  ".... okay?....." 

I would continue, but it I don't think I could survive the pain of the documentation. 

I've heard it said that life is full of awkward moments.  This is quite a strong statement, what with the implication of the word 'full'. If a jar is full of candy, then one assumes that all there is in the jar is candy and let's be honest, a lot of it.  So, I can only jump to the conclusion that life = awkward.  So why then, is it that I so often  feel the need to make the awkwardness go away?  And, where do I think it's going to go since the jar of life is already full of other awkward moments?  I have now written myself into an awkward corner, which the only way out of is to ramble on some more in a nonsensical pattern.  Well, today I say 'no'.  Today, I choose to breathe in the awkwardness of my post, and ask that you please accept this as my gift to you.  Use it as a chance to, like me, embrace the awkwardness that is life. 

* I have copy and pasted a section of an old post that I feel on occasion needs to be restated:


By the way, as a side note I just want to add that I take no responsibility for my run on sentences, typos and grammatical errors.  According to Jane Austen this is just part of my make up due to my preselected gender.

"...the usual style of letter writing among women is faultless, except in three particulars...A general deficiency of subject, a total inattention to stops, and a very frequent ignorance of grammar."

Northanger Abby

The Pact

My sister and I have made a pact.  We do this often and don't have a good record of follow through.  But, nevertheless we continue to make them.  This new one involves our homes.  I recently read that most homes' decor is a good indicator of when the owner peaked in happiness, fulfillment and creativity.  I'm not sure if this is really true.  I'm sure there are several very happy people out there telling time on a late seventies sunburst clock, especially since it is now considered a highly sought after collectible.  But, I digress.  Despite whether or not this may or may not be true, we both decided that it is indeed life altering truth.  Neither of us wants to accept that we have 'peaked'. So, this brings me to the 'pact'.  We have agreed to hold each other accountable to making one change in our homes each month.  This change has to be bigger than sliding a candle a few inches to the left, but smaller than wall removal.  Never one to procrastinate on things I actually want to do, I have begun my first change.

This change is small and not really all that creative, since I have merely changed a desk from brown to white.  But, it is going to force me to make other changes in the room in which it has been residing.  This domino effect is really the point of my $7.82 change.  The whole idea that one thing leads to another is in fact the pattern of a life being lived.  Often times we are forced into living by having to react to unexpected events.  Although these things can be great catalysts, to truly live life one must on occasion purposely set things into motion. 

As I move forward with this little project, I'm not under the illusion that something so small will  make me a better person, but then again maybe I am. 

No Comment

There is a certain blog I read on occasion that is slightly more popular than mine; last I checked it had just over 2000 followers.  What I find interesting about this particular Internet journal is that it's set up so that no comments can be left.  Perhaps I should try this.  Not for the same reasons as this other blog, which clearly is because the writer doesn't want to be inundated with the responses from thousands of strangers, with some possibly being a tad unstable.  No, my reason would be so that I don't have to embarrass my 13 followers with the '0 comments' section at the bottom of my posts.  I mean think how they must feel when they reach the end of yet another amazing post only to find that there are no comments.

It's not that I'm needy, what with the Russians reading again.  "Thanks guys!"  It's just that well, I'm needy.  So, perhaps if I remove the option to comment, I can live with the fantasy that thousands of people are staring at their computer screens muttering to themselves because they have been thwarted once again in their attempt write "Good Job" or "Brilliant". 

 I have no idea how to actually remove the ability to comment or even know if it's possible on my low budget site.  So, I'll just add that no response is necessary for this post.  No matter how tempted you may be, I ask that you refrain and kindly leave my brilliance hanging in dead air.  I'm working on becoming a better person and exposing myself to the great abyss, with no affirmation, is exactly what is needed.  Because it isn't really about what people think or don't think, it's about me needing to release my thoughts into a black hole, so that I can make room for the seemingly endless new ones that appear daily.

Too Much Information

I hadn't planned to return to my 'blogging', which is quite obvious from the fact that I haven't posted since early June.  However, I rarely follow through with most of my plans.  Today as I sit in front of my computer on a windy cold afternoon in November, I have decided to share some of my thoughts once again.  I'm not really sure why I am doing this, since I was informed recently from a most reliable source that people are more interested in pictures than words.  But, I have always loved the written word and the emotions and feelings it can conjure inside myself.  Okay, enough 'rambling'. 

I very recently decided to leave the comfort of my medically induced state of mind and join the world as my former overly anxious self.  I think after seven years of fooling people into thinking I was a calm together kind of person, I began to feel like a fraud.  No, I guess that isn't quite accurate.  I didn't really feel like a fraud, since I don't think I was feeling much of anything.  I look back on that moment when I decided that the 'professionals' clearly new better and sold my soul for a $5 co-pay.  But, that was back when I still had faith in what the 'medical' world had to offer.  So much has transpired in my life since then and as I have made successful alternative changes in other areas of my life, I decided that perhaps it was time to leave behind my tiny pill that apparently causes 'Clubbed Foot' and other odd things.  I came by this info quite reliably on the side window of my facebook page, so it must be true. 

Anyway, after going through weeks of detox from this slightly addicting club foot drug, I am proud to announce that I am once again certifiably insane.  And, I must say it's great to be back.  Why just the other night I was thinking how refreshing it was to loose it on my children for having the audacity to leave all the throw pillows on the floor after an apparent battle in the basement. Then there were the refreshing tears that came so easily as I looked at a photograph of someone I met once over a year ago.  Life is a gift and I no longer see the need to try and live it as someone else, no matter how together I may appear to be.