Summer Hours

I have decided to keep "Summer Hours" this July and August.  It seemed like a really great idea after such a long school year.  I fantasized about lying around my house in some type of tropical robe like thing, while sipping Mai Tais.  Okay, I have no idea what a Mai Tai is, but you get my point.  Lots of rest and wasted time.  However, a week and a half into my new schedule, I have discovered that not only do I lack said tropical robe in my closet, but I don't handle wasted time well.  I have no problem wasting food, water and, according to my husband, electricity.  It only made sense that time would have no problem fitting on to this list.  Unfortunately, this is not so.  Why does it bother me so much to do nothing?  Well, in order to keep my carefully carved out time from wasting, I have been giving it some thought.

Time is something that can never be got back.  Food involves a trip to the store, water a turn of a knob.  And electricity, well for the next 50 years or so, is in abundant supply.  But, time is elusive; it is something that is quietly fading away with each second on the clock.  I recently read this anonymous quote,  "Inside every older person is a younger one wondering what the hell happened".  I'm pretty sure wasted time played a role in this.

My face is beginning to show the soft lines of a worn road map and gravity is no longer my friend.  I wouldn't say my affairs should be got in order just yet, but I would be wise to maybe use the free map for some structured guidance for the time I do have left.  Okay, I admit if all goes well I still have half a lifetime to live, but considering how fast the first bit went, it might be in my best interest to plan a little more wisely this time.  A plan that has realistic goals that don't involve Italian nobleman sweeping me off to their villa after falling in love with the sight of me in a Roman cafe.  I have no idea what these goals should look like, but maybe I could use my new summer hours to figure them out.  I'll keep you posted.

Confession of a Mother

I have hit a wall.  In fact, I have hit several.  Being of a stubborn nature, it takes more than one thud to stop me.  But now after repeated run ins with something hard and perpendicular, I have decided to stop.  Not because rational thought and reasoning has been restored, but because I am just too tired and in too much pain to pick myself up again and continue.  So, I am quietly retreating.  I believe that I might have a slight limp as I walk off.  At the very least, there is a some bruising to the cerebral cortex.  I'm not sure exactly where my cerebral cortex is, but I do know that it is bruised, along with my spirit. 

The older my children and I get the more I see just how not super human I am.  In fact, there is some evidence that I may be subhuman in most areas.  As of this writing, I am a humbled person.  I look at a lifetime of progression and see that most of that progression was spent on a treadmill.  I have the appearance of one that has moved forward, without actually having accomplished much of anything.  To truly know oneself you have to look to the outside and see how 'you' have affected the lives of those around you.  I see my children and although they each still have two arms and legs and have yet to have a cavity between them, I'm afraid I have let them both down.  And much to my dismay, that it was through my own selfishness that this has been accomplished.

I'm not sure if any other mother has ever felt this way.  I suppose that most would say they have.  I can only say that for this mother I find it a lonely and fearful place to exist.  Being a solution based person, I have no doubt that once the bruising has faded a bit, I will have a 'new' plan of action.  Unfortunately, my ability to trust my own judgement will take much longer to heal.   

The Importance of Purpose

It seems that most blogs have a purpose and usually one that involves advice or inspiration.  After very little thought and contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that mine may not fulfill this requirement. Though this explains the somewhat low numbers in the reader department, it doesn't actually 'inspire' me to find a purpose.  I'm afraid that if I get the idea that I have something to advise the rest of the world on that it may go to my head, and I decided years ago that I didn't want my ego to become any larger.  Not that it's all that large mind you, but I'm just not comfortable thinking too well of myself.  A little humility has served me, if not well, faithfully these last 37 years.  Of course with that being said, I do find myself wanting to share my latest revelation.  Please don't mistake what I am about to say for advice, it is simply my latest ponderings.

A few years back, I decided that just because I may have 'gifts' or 'talents' that I didn't need to use them to conquer, change or modify the world.  I would be just as content quietly using them in my day to day life that involved a husband, two sons & three cats.  Recently, I have taken the time to rethink this philosophy and find that I may have been mistaken.  I think that a life without goals or a greater purpose can become rather dreary and sad.  I now wonder if by denying myself the chance to accomplish something greater than pantry organization (no matter how ingenious), I may have tempered or dare I say even destroyed my enthusiasm for life.  I often feel as if I am passed my 'use by' date.  I'm not quite curdled, but there is a strange odor coming from the container.  Is it right or normal to feel this way at such a 'young' age?  Perhaps, if I had left some room for uncharted exploration instead of settling in for a quiet life, I may still have been able to compliment a bowl of cereal instead of being reserved for bake goods.  This now leads me to my final thought which is that life, like a successful blog, must have vision and purpose to flourish and perhaps it's time that mine did.

The Tenth Thought

I was going to write a lovely piece on letting go, spreading wings and other such nonsense.  So, I prepared a hot cup of tea turned on my fake sun light and opened up my laptop.  And, that is pretty much where my brilliance ended.  My mind has been in rare form these last few months, cruising along at speeds that are not only distracting  but quite dangerous.  No sooner do I have a thought then 10 more go racing by.  The first 9, which most likely are perfectly rational rabbit trails from my original thought, are indiscernible.  The 10th is usually the one that gets processed.  Allow me to illustrate. 

Original Thought:  "I need a blog topic.  Hmm, how about something on letting go and how that helps us become better people?"
1. "Well, it can't just be on letting go, it needs to also address the dangers of holding on."
2. "Wow, that sounds like a lot of work."
3. "Work...I really need to work on that desk that needs painting"
4. "Mustn't forget to sand it first."
5. "Well, that will be messy."
6. "Green, how do I feel about the color green?"
7. "What color are frogs anyway?  Is pond a color?"
8. "Pond water looks a lot like my tea."
9. "I like tea cups, not the flowery ones mind you."

Now comes my 10th thought, the one that is actually put to use.  "I need to sit down and have a cup of tea."
Hence, no blog or at least not a brilliant one. 

The Comfort of Scarves

Writing, for me, is a way to be honest with myself.  I have so many thoughts swirling around day to day that I often can't distinguish the legitimate ones from the utter nonsense.  I find when the thoughts are just too many and things are a bit over crowded that all I have to do is write.  Somehow, the process of putting thoughts to paper, figuratively speaking, brings truth to the forefront and all the rest seem to fade away.  At least for a moment.  So, today I find myself full of nonsense and in search of a little truth.  Let's see what happens.

Once again my life is requiring some readjusting.  In theory this sounds exciting and there are moments when I have ideas that seem borderline genius, however it is in fact exhausting and not much fun at all.  The reason being that I have run out of new options and find myself forced to pull from previous forms of existence.  There is a part of me that wants to take comfort in the familiar and embrace the past, much like a favorite old sweater.  But there is another part that questions the sanity of this.  Are we not supposed to be moving forward?  How many times have I heard, 'you can never go back'?  Yet, moving forward seems impossible, at least in this place I now find myself.  The new sweaters available don't seem all that well made and I can't stand the current trend of long in the front and short in the back.  I require symmetry.  So, I move towards digging out my old sweater.  Only when I finally locate it, there is a hole in the arm and it appears quite misshapen.  What's a person to do?  Perhaps a nice warm scarf that can double as a blanket.  I am aware that this seems a bit like moving forward, yet it comes with a touch of comfort from the past, which in fact may be my answer.  This is where I find myself today, if I were to be honest. 

Almost Optimistic

My world as of late has been comprised mostly of failures, so you can imagine my delight today when I quite unexpectedly had a success.  Now, this success was not life changing or ground breaking, but nevertheless it was a success.  I'm quite aware that I have used the word success four times since beginning this post, but I just don't want anyone to forget that I, in fact, had a success.  Today, I successfully made gluten free sugar cookies that look and taste nearly identical to my regular sugar cookies.  I was so sure they would be a failure that I made an extra batch of the regular so my family would at least have something to decorate. 

This now brings me to my point.  Why do I anticipate failure?  Well, in this instance probably because of my recent record in the areas of family, friends, decorating, pet care taking, education, cooking, & all around living.  But lets not dwell on that.  Let's instead focus on why even in my 'better' seasons I worry about not being up to par.  I could be simplistic about it all and say it's in my nature, that I am a half empty kind of person.  But, really I'm almost an optimist. Contrary to what some of you may be thinking, being an 'almost optimist' does not make me a pessimist. 

Almost optimists like to look at the bright side of things and are even quite cheerful at times, but we have a bit more reality embedded within us than your average optimist.  You see, we know that life won't always work out and that things both good and bad happen in seasons.  We have a built in graph that helps us see the chance of something failing based on previously stored data.  We also realize that success and failure are probabilities, not guaranteed outcomes.  When our internal data shows that we are in a 'bad' season, we, like any other optimist, move forward with plans and ideas.  However, we don't ignore the probability of failure and plan accordingly.  I dare any psychologist to counter this logic that is based in rational thought, not negative energy.  So the next time you plan for failure, ask yourself if you are being a pessimist or an almost optimist.  If your answer is the latter, then I say all is well and carry on. You can always use the extra dough in the refrigerator to make cookies for your gluten tolerant friends and non tolerant enemies.

Checklist

It has often been remarked that I belong in a different era.  I'm not sure how much of this is just my innate personality and how much is a result of a lifetime study of British period books/movies.  Upon watching yet another Masterpiece Classic, I discovered a new sliver of information to live by.  One must conduct oneself in a manner that is, if not pleasing at the very least, not offensive to others.  So often I am guilty, as way too many of us are, of mistaking frankness with blurting out whatever comes to mind.  One can be frank and honest without saying every thought.  I know for myself that much of what I say needs to be checked.   Therefore, I have devised a list of questions to run randomly through my head during conversation.  If what I am about to say meets with an affirmative, then I should close the mouth that seems to always want to be open.  Feel free to adopt my list of questions, goodness knows we could all use with an occasional check.  And remember, being real doesn't give you the right to offend just so you can have a reputation for being yourself.  After all, just because you are yourself doesn't mean you are well liked.

1.  Is what I am about to say for my own amusement?

2.  Am I about to say something so that I will seem amusing?

3.  Am I trying to fill dead air?

4.  Am I trying to take over the conversation, because clearly I am more amusing then the other person?

5.  Is what I am about to say better left for a diary or Internet journal?
6.  Do I want to end this conversation? (The affirmative answer to this question requires a different response to the one stated above, instead continue talking while ignoring questions 1-5 and chances are they will find a way to escape the conversation, hopefully never to return)
7.  Do I want to have another conversation with this person?

No need to thank me for this bit of wisdom and advice, but feel free to let me know how effective it was in helping you attain a bit of the etiquette so needed in our modern society.